All posts for the month February, 2013

Bath Salt Zombies might be one of my newest, favorite movies. It has the most absolutely perfect balance of comedy and faces being torn THE FUCK off. It’s a completely different type of zombie movie, because only when you’re tripping balls do you actually become a zombie. Smoke some bath salts, eat someones face. Wake up, smoke some bath salts, chow down on someones intenstines. Wash, rinse, repeat motherfuckers… Round of applause for the lamest line I’ve ever written.

The movie opens with a hilariously animated explanation of what bath salts chemically are, how they work, and what happens when you’re high as a kite one them. The movie basically follows around a crusty punk all through his addiction to bath salts. I know, totally lame and not really possible, but that’s the fucking point! You have this DEA officer chasing after the source of these bath salts, and whenever he comes around a straight up action movie style fight sequence breaks out. As I was watching, I hated this pig but then towards the end I guess I started to feel sorry for him, since he is on the side of good, justice, and doughnuts (not to mention he’s pretty fucking hilarious). During this movie you’re going to laugh then watch someone get ripped apart, all while listening to sweet, sweet, glorious music. And it’s going to keep happening throughout the entire movie, and you’re going to be pissed when it’s all over. This is the first movie in a long time where I can say I appreciated the different, not exactly typical, camera angles and filters used because it just added to the hysteria.

I have no other words except: go get the effin’ movie! If you love comedy, blood, and guts, with loving, tender touches of insanity than you won’t be disappointed. I don’t usually do this and I’m sorry to commit to this so quickly but… I love you Bath Salt Zombies.

Still from MVD Film - Bath Salt Zombies

Comedy: 50%
Violence: 50%
Nudity Count: 2 Sets O’Titties, 1 Vageeen, and 1 Pretty, Pretty Princess..  I mean Penis




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The Download Horror is a new take on comedic horror. Robbo and Dougie are watching a movie “Sacrificed”. You too get to watch along, with the added bonus of their hilarious commentary about lesbians, boobs, and their prayers for a lesbian orgy, when they’re not making fun of the movie. The actual movie that you’re watching is about the chick you see above, sacrificing people for Sibalinka, an idol that has taken over her life. From the moment she was handed it, and the dagger you see in her hand, she has had no problem hacking up people around her. She throws an axe into her husbands face and chopsticks into her friends’ eyes, both of which come back as zombies. This is an okay-slightly-boring horror movie with awesome zombies, lots-o boobs, and two hilarious guys talking through it the whole time.

As I watched the movie, I found it was revolving around Robbo and Dougie talking, not the actual images in front of me, which felt a bit strange. I did not enjoy the “Sacrificed” movie (aside from the chopstick zombie), but I enjoyed the fuck out of listening to those two talk. They are the Beavis and Butthead of horror and I loved them! They are actually the producers of the movie, but they really need their own television show. Seriously, you wouldn’t even mind these two talking through an entire movie in a movie theater because they’re that entertaining.

Reviewed by Phil


Before I post this review I would like to make a quick apology, not only for the delay in getting it uploaded, but for not making time to write it! I’ve got a lot of shit going on with work, home life as well as the band (which has now had to fall back to one session a fortnight due to various issues) But enough about the excuses. It’s time you read my review of Dan Kraevyn’s project Throne of Anguish! The majority of you will probably know that Dan has recently joined our team and you will be able to read his first feature shortly.

However, despite him being a member of the team, you can rest assured that I won’t be writing a biased review just because he is one of us. So when I say that his music is absolutely brilliant! Don’t judge me, just listen to an example below and you’ll understand.

I was given the task of writing a review for a few reasons. One being that I’m a fellow musician myself so can probably relate to it better. The second being that out of me, Richard and Siobhan, I probably knew the least about this guy. Once again down to me not being around much. But I took the feature willingly expecting to hear a random metal band with a hint of horror, the likes of which  we’d seen quite a few times over.

The first song I listened to was Patrem et Filium. And to be honest, as soon as it finished I HAD to play it again. You see I’m a big fan of the instrumental stuff. Soundtracks to movies and that kinda thing. So when I heard this I just thought – YES! It had suspense, a great melody throughout, the gothic synth and great choral parts. I’m easy to please it seems. But if you’re not the same as me, let me continue.

So now I was in high spirits and expected a lot from Dan the Man. So the next song I listened to was A Dead Day Will Dawn. Once again I wasn’t disappointed. This song had a more techno feel to it at the beginning until the introduction of heavy guitar half way through. It was about the same time that the vocals started. Now personally I’m not a fan of screaming/roaring, indecipherable vocals, except in certain circumstances when it seems to work well with the music. Well I’m happy to report that the distorted vox in this song DO seem to work well with the overall piece and it gets another thumbs up from yours truly.

If you’re a fan of anything melodic, dark/gothic, techno, metal or all of the above, check out Throne of Anguish. From what I’ve heard so far it sounds brilliant and has definitely made a fan out of me.